(Written June 27, 2014)

Six years ago tonight I fell asleep on the floor of my mom's family room in Provo, Utah, while my sisters watched Better Off Ted and made fun of me. What else is new? 

The next day changed my life forever.

I got married.

Six years later I sit alone in my apartment in Florida, contemplating all that has transpired in the past six years and how I got where I am today. I graduated from BYU with my bachelor's degree, from Michigan with my masters, and I'm presently working on a doctorate at Florida State (ABD!). I've lived in four different states, worked in six, and applied/auditioned for a bunch of jobs I didn't get and a few I did.

But I also came to another life-changing realization: I've suffered with depression and anxiety for most of my life; I realized that I needed help. Unfortunately, it took a handful of life-changing events over the past three years to get me in to see a good psychiatrist and therapist. I won't mention them all, but I will mention two.

1) Trouble in Paradise

As a result of my depression in part, my marriage suffered. We lost the ability to communicate effectively and we grew apart. Eventually, we decided that we should separate to focus on taking care of our mental health. The divorce was finalized on July 31, 2013. It was the most amicable breakup I have ever experienced, and I still have nothing but love and respect for Katie. I don't know what the future holds for our friendship, or if that's even a possibility, but I have the utmost respect for her and wish her the best. She is an amazing woman and will do great things.

I have been in therapy for a little over a year and have come face-to-face with many of my demons. I won't lie; it's been tough. Perhaps the most difficult thing I have ever experienced. But of the few things in life I know, I know I am in a much better place today than I was a year ago at this time.

2) Leadership Roulette

While my then-wife and I were experiencing trouble in paradise, I was serving in my local LDS ward (congregation) in the bishopric as the ward clerk. When things got really hard at home I requested to be released from my responsibilities at church.

Unfortunately, our bishop was brand new to his calling and quite young. In this conversation I also expressed some questions and doubts about my faith and mentioned that that was another reason I felt I should step away from the bishopric and focus on my marriage and my faith.

This was not received well. Because of my concerns and desires to better myself before I felt like I could effectively serve in the Church, this bishop asked me to turn in my temple recommend. While, ultimately, he allowed me to keep it, he did say that he or his connections in town would be monitoring our behavior, and that if we did anything wrong he would call us back in. I was hurt (a life-long member with pioneer heritage, returned missionary, temple-married, etc), and from that moment I have not felt welcome in my local ward family. In that moment, and many since then, I have felt judged by other members of the faith community because I think differently than many of them.

But I have a great group of friends--both in person and in my online networks--who have helped me realize that my depression does not have to define me.

Now, I don't say all of this seeking sympathy or praise or anything like that.

I do, however, want to articulate two points:

1) Just because people may seem alright on the outside doesn't mean that they're totally cool on the inside. Mental illness affects every one of us, either within yourself or by watching those you love suffer.

If you have any mental health issues, seek help. There is no weakness in admitting you need help. Do not allow the best things in your life to be taken from you as a result of your illness.

2) We need to treat people the way we ourselves would like to be treated. As my current trumpet professor and mentor told me once, "Everybody deserves respect."

No matter where you are in life, no matter what you believe, no matter what you find important, we all deserve respect. We all have our own adventure to discover, and just because another person chooses a different path, choosing instead to blaze their own trail, does not make it the wrong path. I think it is a true sign of respect and love--I dare say the truest sign of respect and love--to support people we don't agree with as they work to achieve their goals.

Be patient. Give the benefit of the doubt. Love.

T-A-double L-A-H-A-double S-double E

Well, it's official: We will be moving down to Tallahassee this fall for Joe to start his DMA at Florida State! We are very excited to move from chilly Michigan to sunny Florida.

Go Seminoles!

New Year's Resolutions

I don't usually do so well with intense, specific goals, so here's a few vague ones for 2012:

-Read more books
-Eat less sugar
-Eat more produce
-Go to a midnight showing
-Get bangs (check!)
-Floss more
-Keep a more organized house, car, and purse

Here's to you, 2012! Let's hope you do a little better than 2011.

And magically, overnight, our backyard turned into THIS:

Welcome to winter, Ann Arbor!

The extent of our Christmas decor this year:

Just call me Martha Stewart.

Ketchup time!

Guys, I can't believe it's been seven months since I've updated this thing! But I'm back! So let's review where the heck I've been...

-I graduated (unofficially) at the end of April! "Unofficially" means I'd finished all of my classes, but still needed to play my recital (minor detail).

We're cute.

-Joe flew to China with the UM Symphony Band for almost a month while I went back to VA to live with the parentals and work. Joe had a great experience in China, but missed American food (and bathrooms) and of course ME! We stayed connected through his Yahoo email (gmail's banned there) and some jerky, pixelated Skype chats. Boy does being halfway across the world from each other make you appreciate one another so much more!

Anyway, back to the food and bathrooms... He also ate some new animals/animal parts like jellyfish, donkey, and duck tongues, and even walked in on a Chinese man smoking a cigarette in a squatty-potty! Ah, culture at its finest. The last concert of the tour was in LA at Disney Hall over Memorial Day weekend and I, being the luckiest daughter-in-law in the world, was flown out courtesy of Joe's mom. We spent the whole weekend with Joe's family in LA and had a great time! I still look back at that as one of my favorite trips EVER! The band sounded amazing, Disney Hall was awe-inspiring (if you haven't seen the interior, you should google image it real quick), and it was so great to finally be back together again!

Joe on the Great Wall of China...how cool is that?!?

The Nib fam before Joe's concert at Disney Hall. If you're wondering what the heck is going on with my hair, it was a windy day...don't judge.

-If you didn't think it could get any cooler, Joe took a trip to France with his trumpet teacher and a few studio to France just a few short days after he got back from China. They stayed in a small town called Pontlevoy that looked like it came straight out of Beauty and the Beast. Poor thing! They stayed there for ten days, playing recitals, taking masterclasses from famous French trumpet dudes, and most importantly, eating amazing French pastries!

The view from Joe's room in Pontlevoy. I mean, come on...is this even real?

The pastry shop Joe frequented on a daily basis. I am laughing really hard right now about how daintily he's holding his pastry box. That's my husband!

-While Joe was off gallivanting around the world, I was busy living the dream working at LOFT. Come to find out, I quite enjoy working in retail. I must say, it came pretty naturally considering I've been my mom's personal stylist my whole life. Real Housewives of Loudoun County, thank you for allowing me to style you.

-Oh yeah and I also spent a lot of time practicing for my itty-bitty Master's recital.

-After Joe got back from France, he went to Chautauqua, New York for a seven week-long musical festival (i.e. band camp for big kids). Chautauqua is a tiny, weird little lake town where rich people come to vacation and "experience the arts." Picture "Dirty Dancing" and you've pretty much got it. He played in an orchestra and chamber groups, took weekly lessons with a trumpet teacher, and spent hours in little practice cabins (or shacks, as I called them). He also had to live in a dorm, eat cafeteria food, and SURVIVE WITH NO AC for seven whole weeks. How he did it, I do not know.

The trumpet section after their last concert. Aren't they cute?

Joe duking it out on Lake Chautauqua. This picture actually kinda freaks me out a little.

-Then finally, after a very long summer, we were reunited and came back to Ann Arbor! I played my recital (which I didn't really get any good pictures of...woops), then started working again at the LOFT here in Ann Arbor. After a week or so, I decided one job wasn't enough and decided to get a second job at Pandora (not the online radio station or the mythical box, but the jewelry store). It has been a lot of fun to learn a new job and have a chance to meet and interact with new people! Also, now that I'm done with school, I have time to do fun things like try new recipes, Book Club, and other housewifey-type things. I am looking for a new (cheap) hobby, so if anyone has suggestions, I'm all ears.

-Joe is still working on his Master's (he'll be done April 2012) and he is super busy preparing for his DMA auditions. We are loving life here in Ann Arbor!

Screw you, hips. I'm eating carrot cake.

Guys, I found a fabulous carrot sheet cake recipe that I made for Easter Sunday. It was TO DIE FOR and uber-moist, the perfect carrot cake but without the stress of a layer cake. Yes, it does involve grating 1.5 lbs of carrots, but it is WORTH IT. Or you can just use a food processor. Also, I topped it with chopped pecans and used a different cream cheese frosting recipe, but I'm sure her version with heavy whipping cream isn't bad...

Carrot Sheet Cake with Whipped Cream Cheese Frosting

*Serves 16-20

Cake:
4 large eggs
3/4 cup oil
3/4 cup applesauce
3/4 cup water
2 teaspoons vanilla
3 cups sugar
3 1/2 cups flour
1 tablespoon cinnamon
1 teaspoon allspice
2 teaspoons salt
2 teaspoons baking soda
2 teaspoons baking powder
1 1/2 pounds carrots, washed and ends trimmed (they don't need to be peeled)

Frosting:
1/2 cup butter, softened
8 ounces cream cheese, softened
3 3/4 cups powdered sugar
2 teaspoons vanilla
2/3 cup heavy whipping cream

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Grease and lightly flour an 11X17-inch rimmed baking sheet. Shred the carrots, finely, on a box grater or food processor. Set aside.

In a large mixing bowl combine the eggs, oil, applesauce, water and vanilla. Whisk in the sugar to combine until evenly mixed.

In a second bowl mix flour, spices, salt, soda and baking powder. Stir the dry ingredients into the wet ingredients just until moistened. Gently fold the carrots into the batter until evenly distributed. Bake the cake for 30-32 minutes until a toothpick inserted in the middle comes out with a few moist crumbs. Cool completely.

For the frosting, mix the cream cheese, vanilla and butter with an electric mixer until light and creamy. Gradually beat in the powdered sugar until smooth. In a separate bowl, beat the heavy whipping cream until stiff peaks form. Fold the whipped cream into the frosting and whip to combine (don't overmix or the frosting will become too stiff). The frosting should be smooth and creamy.

Recipe Source: from melskitchencafe.com/adapted from Alisha O. http://www.melskitchencafe.com/2010/03/carrot-sheet-cake-with-whipped-cream-cheese-frosting.html